COMING SOON IN THE SHITE: How being a superhero won't affect your VAT status!
“I wasn’t in the Beatles” – Paul McCartney
Ex Wings star Paul ‘Macca’ McCartney sensationally denied ever being in the popular 60's pop band The Beatles.
In an exclusive interview with the Daily Shite, he revealed it was really The Fab 3 & a Japanese robot named Woo.
"It was the cutting edge of technology, a sort of experiment in science & music, I was just a convenient patsy because I was mates with John Lennon and Brian Epstein thought I had a nice arse."
"All the early head-wobbling & shouts of ‘Woooo!’ was down to teething problems with the robotics of WooMac VII (beta-name)".
"The only song I actually contributed to was Help!, but only because I thought John said ‘Kelp' & I thought it was a veggie protest track.”
If he lasts until the summer the aging robophile will be performing some of the hits he didn't write or sing on, at the opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympics
" Well it tops up the pension and if it wasn't me there'd only be Ringo to sing 'em an' who wants to hear that?'' commented the aging popper.
The revelations appear in his new book about the period, ''Me & Woo'' which is out as a special limited edition, as the publishers don't think anyone in their right mind would waste good money on it! If you'de like a copy they advise fans to hang about for a couple of weeks and it should be available in all good charity shops.
“He’s the kind of guy who would overfill his Pot Noodle past the maximum water mark, just to prove a point” said a frightened spokesman in a cheap Primark suit. ......more revelations inside.....Is Maco Waco?
A moment of tension as Macca meets WooMacXXV - WooMacVII's Grand daughter.
Startling revelations that no one is actually interested in!
Me & Woo
Channel 5 & the United States secret service have signed an audacious joint deal to bring the wonderfully entertaining world of reality television into the 21st century. Details as to the new format are sketchy at the moment, but one of our news hackers was able to ‘acquire’ these sketches and can reveal the following: (1) Inmates of both GB & BB will mix freely, the orange uniforms will be compulsory for all – except for models or inmates who wish to get their tits out. (2) Eviction will be replaced by waterboarding (3) At the culmination of each series, the buildings will be stormed by the militia, all contestants/inmates ‘relocated’ & the next series will begin.
Telly Tit Bits
Telly Tit Bits
People living in glass houses are being actively urged to throw stones. After years in the home damaging wilderness, a new directive from the Greener Grass Glazed Expression Group has brought joy & much loose gossip to this paranoid community.
The move was met with trepidation by insurance companies, who completely missed the point that it is metaphorical rather than physical. “These people should be more worried about huge heating bills than throwing lumps of rock about” said a trepidated employee.
A spokesman for The Half Empty Glass Company said:
"This could been a much needed boost for the glazing industry, but it probably won't be."
Stone Throwers rejoice at rethink
Narrow minded members of the public are to have their horizons widened by the potentially lethal introduction of helium into their reluctant skulls.
In a recent survey, it was discovered that stubbornness, stupidity & downright thick-as-a-pigs-arse ignorance was more of a worry to the British public than terrorism, financial meltdown or the cancelling of the popular Jeremy Kyle TV show.
Rigorous tests (admittedly on rubber balloons) have also indicated that other added bonuses of helium insertion could result in the ability to fly great distances, permanent squeaky voices & a healthier complexion.
Cure for Blinkers?
The ‘Too Much Foundation’, an initiative launched by concerned Liverpudlian mothers who had lost daughters to what in recent years has been known as ‘the orange curse’ have been campaigning tirelessly against excessive cosmetic application.
Spokewoman Clair L. Maybelline had warned that in the last year alone, 1700 innocent young women had been rushed to hospital with suspected Wonkamunchkin Syndrome due to the extreme tangerine shade of their skin, there were 87 blindings which were the direct result of victims being in close contact with 8” long eyelashes, and 263 cases of self harm due to excess eye-liner.
The Max Factor!
Sports campaigner and business guru Terry Bull (41)
is to be rewarded for his efforts with a Knighthood from Buckingham Palace.
At first Terry thought he was being given some sort of bedtime headgear, but was thrilled to hear that he would soon be Sir Terry.
His innovative scheme to promote an Obese Olympics for misshapen, reluctant ‘athletes’ has gathered pace, and could have equal billing alongside the regular & disabled events in time for the Malaga 2020 Games.
“Oooh, its brilliant!” gushed a jubilant Lord Bull after the ceremony.
“That Queen, she looks nowt like she does on a £20 note though, and she were a bit heavy with the sword,' he complained.
''Im like ‘Ey, Watch it you! I’ve already ad a shave this morning ya daft cow’, which Prince Phillip laughed his tits off at.''
''She did ask me a couple of awkward questions about who'd put me up for a knighthood, but I just sidetracked her by tellin her I’d invented a special treadmill for Corgis, got an order for 6!’ See more news of Terrys exploits here
Terry Bull finally recognised!
No charges brought.
It was initially discovered Ms. Maybelline had spent £3650 of the organisations funds on tattooed eyebrows, lipstick & other adornments. She was suspended pending an investigation, but after being reinstated temporarily this morning she commented “I’m made up”.
Terminal Wonkamunchkin Syndrome victim!
Officials were left red-faced today when it was revealed that the chairwoman of their organisation had last year spent in excess of £3000 on permanent facial make-up.
Clair L. Maybelline
Guantanamo Bay & Big Brother
We've been helping you kill people
for over 300 years.
The British Arms Industry Assoc.
The British Arms Industry Assoc.
We've been helping you kill people
for over 300 years.
Food Junky Mugs Granny to Feed
Sticky Bun Habit.
Retirees in the sleepy town of Los Alamo were shocked this week by a series of bounce and grab raids by a sticky bun thief.
The ruthless ride-by attacks have been happening outside Dunkin Doughnut outlets all over town, always targeting elderly people.
The mugger rides by the victim on his mini bike and uses his massive bulk to bounce them as he passes, snatching their freshly purchased buns as they tumble.
What We Eat
Bounce and run raider
What We Eat
Copy cat crimes have already started to appear throughout the nation as food addicts, (those who can still actually get out of the house at least) are begining to become more violent in their efforts to feed their calory crazed habits ( More on page five.. )
Granny bounce victim Soh Hi Now recovers from attack.
Flesh Eating Bug was really 'very sneaky cannibal'
Miss Romero on Karaoke in Broadmoor.
A not-so-Fine Young Cannibal.
Police chiefs had recently reported the amount of officer hours wasted on domestics that were little more than slanging matches was rising, keeping officers from attending real crimes like people spitting in public, or kids shouting from buses.
"The NHS has recently come into possession of hundreds of empty baby units in hospitals across the country, providing a perfect training scenario for dad to give mum a good whack in the eye over the little uns cot."
"We will be concentrating on facial bruising impact maximisation, developing language skills for more colourful spouse abuse, and advising women on plausible excuses for having a face like a drop-kicked watermelon."
"Also, we will be selling a competitively priced winter sunshades collection for perfecting that just-had-my-eye-socket-destroyed look for those mouthy missys", commented Esther Rantzen, the initiative co-ordinator.
Cold caller dies of hypothermia
Door to door double glazing salesman Hugh Peeveesea was found dead in a Swansea street this morning, apparently from acute hypothermia. A shocked neighbour commented, "He had been hounding me for about 20 minutes about how much I could save on heating costs if I switched to M Power, now this. Its ironic isnt it?" Attempts to interview other inhabitants of the street were met with a frosty reception.
Police hunt warm-blooded killer
Police in North Yorkshire are appealing for information regarding the death of a 73 year old woman. She was found at her home in Tadcaster on Tuesday, the victim of what officers described as "a sustained pampering, of obscene ferocity". The alarm was raised when neighbours became concerned that the woman, a devout churchgoer and do-gooder hadn t been seen for a few days. Police have a prime suspect, as her son Timothy also hasn t been contactable since the incident. "We believe he has crucial information regarding the death of his overbearing mother, and normally would warn the public not to approach him, but in this case, he s a really charming boy and we would urge people to invite him in for tea and scones".
An unnamed man from Nuneaton was speaking about the shock discovery that he was very slowly being eaten by his next door neighbour, Georgia Romero, a hospital anaesthetist, part-time wine-maker and head of the local Chianti society.
The revelations came to light after 6 months, when constant bits and pieces missing from his body, including an earlobe, 3 toes, 2 semi-important fingers and even some excess foreskin, all of which were attributed to necrotising fasciitis by baffled, overworked NHS GPs, were in fact discovered to be the cannibalistic work of crazed, (yet admittedly helpful with shopping, minor repairs etc) Ms Romero.
"Yesterday, I woke up feeling really groggy, as I have done sporadically over the last few months, strangely after my neighbour insisted on giving me a diabetes aversion injection. I felt something nibbling at my left eyelid, thought it was a butterfly or moth, but as I regained full conscious clarity, I realised the neighbour was gently feeding on my face. I suppose my suspicions should have been aroused when she started asking me to bathe in Kraft light French dressing, claiming it was a perfect remedy for tough skin".
Ms Romero was taken into psychiatric care for evaluation, but experts revealed that she is very probably off her fucking nut.
Kenny Bull, spokesperson for th Assoc of British Cannibals said''This kind of irresponsible behaviour that gets cannibals a bad name''
King is permissable terror target says Govt.
Twisted mouth paedophile Johnathan King, famed for inflicting banal attempts at music upon the public, and then boasting about his child-buggering antics on national television has gone too far. His release of the Harold Shipman sonnet on Youpube has not only angered families of Doctor Deaths victims, but has also made Salman Rushdie breath a little easier as he is no longer the most death-threatened UK resident.
In reaction to Kings bizarre diatribe, Gordon Brown has openly invited all terrorist organisations to take him out, please with no repercussions, for this once in a lifetime chance to eradicate a really deserving target. William Hill said early favourites at (4/1) were the I.R.A. who may be tempted to come out of retirement for old times sake. Gerry Adams wasnt available for comment, as he was recovering from an undisclosed but amusing moustache-based incident.
Man In The Moon to retire
After serving grandly for as long as anyone can remember, the Man In The Moon is hanging up his face and calling it a day. At an emotional press conference M.I.T.M. (real name Hoke Slunerlanding) cited the smell of green cheese, old age and new technology as the main reasons for his decision. "In the good old days I loved it, nice clear space every night, earth scientists giving my craters admirable names like Sea of Ingenuity. I was admired by everybody, every night. Nowadays though its like a traffic jam up there! Near misses with satellites, space debris, Sci-Fi film crews, its getting scary for an old un like myself. And with all the new fangled telescopes, no-one even bothers with me any more, too busy looking at Jupiter, Neptune, or deep space. Plus, the green cheese up there really needs changing. But overall Ive had a great career and wouldn t change it for the world . . . well, err maybe the world." Rumours that the vacant position of person-in-the-moon would be filled by Jade Goody were rife yesterday. A spokesman said, "Well, she does have a moon face, and it would keep her well out of harms way, as theres no-one to bully or racially abuse up there, but we are keeping our options open"
Depp arrested in DVD Piracy scandal.
Johnny Le Crepe Depp, Hollywood heart-throb and pancake tossing champion has been arrested amid sensational scenes at Buccaneer Studios, Cleethorpes.
It appeared on the surface that Depp was doing beneficial work for charity, apparently handing out How to be a winning tosser DVDs to the poor people of Eastern England, when in fact on closer inspection it was apparent that Depp and his entourage of bohemian hangers-on had doctored the packaging and wereselling copies as
"Pirates of The Carribean 4 - The Unmade Quadrilogy".
As word spread, thousands of damp gusseted and wet brained fans flocked to Depps caravan-cum-sales outlet at an un-named motorway services on the M28, eager to hand over 30 quid for a signed copy of the new movie. Local Police constable Ivor Bigtruncheon commented, "I couldnt give a shit to be honest, I aways preferred Nicholas Cage meself". Depp was unavailable for comment, but will be in pantomime at Lincoln Prison from November onwards. (Discounts available for inmates ofspring)
Lego to put cornflake in promotional toy packs
After years of Kellogs attempting to choke children with small plastic gifts in cereal boxes, alien plastic brick company Lego, based in Europe, are exacting revenge by inserting a random cereal piece in each of their new Coloured Brick Bags Collection. "It may be a cornflake, a rice crispie, even a golden graham, but one things for sure, it wont be a weetabix!" said a bloke stood outside the Lego factory
. Cocky peanut antics new no.1 cause of death
Show off binge-drinkers with garish cheap shirts have always been famous for their cheesy, unimaginative chat-up lines, inability to hold down relationships, and inability to eat kebabs without wearing most of it, but now they are leading in a much less envied category, Death!
Recent research has revealed that the old catch a falling peanut trick, with the humourous double-act variation (where your mate chucks it down your gullet at high speed) has rocketed to number one in the British death method charts, overtaking the ever popular pissing on the live rail More later, definitely. (Maybe)
Police given more time to question stutterer
Perranporth Police have been given an extra 48 hours, and anti-spray masks to interview Serial Stutterer Peter Piper. He is in police custody on charges of possessing porn, perjury, puppy painting, pissing in a public place, peppercorn pilfering and punching Peter Purvis. "We think the excess p related crimes have caused Peter problems" said Chief Inspector Pedro Papaya, "it took us over an hour just to get him to tell us his name"
Australian Internet pages stuck upside-down
An internet crisis looms as it has emerged that all pages originating down under but viewed in the Northern Hemisphere are upside-down. Many of our readers who spend time surfing Australian pornography sites, (famed for their recent Abo Titmuss expose) will already be aware of this, but too ashamed to say anything.
More Shite inside: The Shite's very own BMP reporter
takes a look at racism - and likes it!
The Daily Shite Poetry Corner with Billy Wordsworth
What is there to say about poetry & prose that hasn't already been said? Well, loads actually! Its a freeform expressive, erm, form of expression which even allows the cerebrally scarred to create works of absolute averageness. (See video for evidence).
And that Shakespeare, what was all that about? Thee this, and thy that, complete gibberish from start to finish! Talking to skulls, I dont know, witches, broth, love & poison. Maybe he just craved halloween centuries early. What a Twat.
Bono models new anti stutter protective gear
Snood P Whipper is not the richest rapper, nor will you find him up there with the top rapper names or as one of the fastest rappers. But ask anyone in Salford about him and they are very likiely to say....who?
Overweight , mediocre people with no ambition may not be on your top ten list, but entrepreneur Terry Bull knows an easy target when he sees one. His bid for an obese olympics has fallen on deaf ears from official quarters, but donations from the obese community are pouring in. Donate today and make Terry even more money.
Goat lover Vladivar is a contreversial figure in his native Slutvania. Three times Kiss the Goat Down Below champion and family man Vlad is here to steal your job and your girlfriend.
Bury in the NW UK is famous for Bury market. UK comedian Bury Bob takes us on a tour and reveals the secret of Grand dad's sausage.
Hospital radio is home for disc jockie DJBnB.
When he was 10 he decided to find out how to become a dj and at 25 he is stilltrying to find out how to become a good dj.
Conspiracy theory officionado Truman Caput
waits for the day when,what others call his paranoia, is proved to be exactly what they say it is.
But he knows that day will never come, because there is always a new theory waiting just around the corner...and down a back alley.
UK Cannibal community spokes Person Kenny Bull talks about life on the run and his plans to move to America where cannibalism isn't frowned upon quite so much.
Mental health problems have plagued Bob all his life the up side being that he has never felt alone and we have all these interesting characters to enjoy. It gets a bit crowded in his head when they all turn up at once though.